Honestly, Truly!

Hey guise! It's been maybe 6 months since I released a blog, but I really felt led by the Holy Spirit to share what's been on my heart lately. That being post grad depression, suicide, and my life after my suicide attempt. So, with all of that being said, let's jump right into this blog!!

Post Grad Depression

As you all may remember if you're a frequent reader of my blogs or just someone who may know me, I graduated from Claflin University in 2017. Ever since I was 5 years old, I knew that I wanted to be a physician, preferably a pediatrician, but most children at that age either want to be a physician or a lawyer bc those are careers that society places a lot of emphasis on. Note: I'm very glad to know that children from this newer generation are aware that there are more careers out there besides the two mentioned above. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with them being a doctor or lawyer because the world could always use more, especially good ones *throws shade* lol, but everyone is simply not called to serve within those fields and that's absolutely okay!

But for me, I was a little different lol. I'm 24 now and ya girl still has aspirations of becoming a physician. I know that I've been called to serve all, especially the underserved population, through medicine and also to proclaim God's healing power as well, so I'm uber excited to become Dr. Kim! But at any rate, I graduated from college and though the accomplishment was a blessing, the period afterwards was r o u g h. Why? Because deep down I knew in my heart that I wasn't ready yet to take that step towards going to medical school, but I cared more about the opinions of others than what I actually knew for myself.

Two things that I should note for you all to have a better understanding:

1. I graduated as the salutatorian of my class, was the first student within my high school to never make lower than a B in any class, graduated with 2 collegiate certificates before receiving my diploma, went to college on a full academic scholarship, and graduated with a 3.5 as a STEM major. I'm not saying any of this to boast but to kind of paint a picture for you all. So as you can see, God blessed me with a lot to be thankful for and because of these accolades, others especially those from my hometown, subconsciously placed me on a pedestal and it sucked lol.

2. I, like most people, envisioned this "ideal" life for myself. I pictured graduating from high school then transitioning straight to college from there, in which I did. But I also planned to attend medical school after graduating from college, but obviously that didn't happen lol. I will say that I blamed this all on God but I slowly came to understand that this was MY doing :( You'll hear more about this a little later in the blog though lol.

So here's how everything ties together!

I graduated from college in May of 2017 and I received this urge to apply to medical school literally out of nowhere. I literally remembering being in a GroupMe and I literally was talking to the girls about how I randomly felt led to apply lol. Of course they all encouraged me, which made me feel so good -- "like, yeah Kim let's do this" lol, and I ended up calling my sister-in-Christ Elisha for some insight regarding what I should do. I was literally telling myself that the urge was God-sent, but I wholeheartedly know now that God never told me to apply to medical school back then. But I found the website to register for the Medical College Admission Test (MCAT) in July & ended up taking it completely out of haste a couple weeks afterwards. I also just finished completing my application around that same time and I kept telling myself that regardless of how the score turned out, that I would still apply because God has me. My scores were posted around the end of September and when I received them, ya girl was devastated. My mom knew that something was wrong because she knew that my scores were coming back that day and I literally didn't say anything at all. She found me just lying in my bed, drowning in my tears, while listening to gospel music and instantly knew that I didn't perform how I hoped. But even with the score that I made, I submitted my applications to the medical school because Kim had big faith lol, and every single one of them rejected me -_-

Honestly, I will say that I was so disappointed in God and even started to question not only His power, but also His plans for me. I kept asking "why would you tell me to apply to medical school and literally leave me hanging, God?" because it simply didn't make any sense at all to me. Be mindful that I was working at my previous place of employment during the previous summers, Walmart, and I just knew that I wouldn't have been there for a long time. While working there, I received a lot of questions from customers, employees and even loved ones regarding my next step. I will say that it started to become annoying after awhile because I simply didn't know what was next for me. & then on top of that, I received a lot of slick comments such as "you have a whole Bachelor's Degree & you're working at Walmart?" and that really bothered me because nobody shoots to the top overnight and at least I was doing something until better came along, right? WRONG! A lot of people, even those in my town, must have forgot that Beaufort is a small area and you simply have to know someone to get to where you want to be. Trust me, I've applied to many places ranging from schools, government facilities, hospitals, medical centers etc., but nothing opened up for me. I either received one of two responses in reference to my applications -- they either chose someone who was less qualified to underpay them or wanted someone with loads of experience, which I obviously didn't have because I went to college right after high school. But yeah, I told myself to stick it out at Walmart and trust that God will bless me with a great job when the timing was right and that's just what I did.

I also had a lot of pressure on me from within my household. My mom, though I love her dearly, placed a lot of emphasis on me having my life together at the time, and she didn't quite understand the frustrations I was dealing with. She kept saying because I didn't get into medical school that I should join the military, but that wasn't what I wanted to do. I think she simply didn't want me to be back at home, which I understand because there's nothing here lol, but I told her that I would rather move out than to be pressured into doing something that my heart isn't in. I will say that things have become a lot better between us since then and she's a lot more understanding of my journey and I'm even more understanding of where she was coming from, so we praise Jesus for us both being open-minded! Anddddd ya girl also placed a lot of pressure on herself lol. Like I told y'all, from my previous accolades and the life I envisioned for myself, I didn't realize that I just wanted to be perfect so badly. Me not doing well on the MCAT & being rejected from medical school hurt me to my core, not only because I felt like God let me down, but I realized that I let myself and others down. Looking back, I realize that I didn't let myself down though. I simply came to understand that it's okay to not be perfect because God never asked me to be. If I was needed to be perfect, then why on earth would I need Him who is?

The Suicide Attempt

Many of you know that my father passed away back in 2011 due to medical negligence. Y'all probably didn't know the part pertaining to "medical negligence" lol, but I'm sure you are aware that he passed away. Anyway, last year on Father's Day, I decided to stay home from church because I didn't want to see any positive interaction between children and their fathers. I know that sounds bad, but my heart simply wouldn't allow me to put myself through watching something that I simply didn't have anymore. So, I stayed home and though I always pray for God to cover me in His peace during days like this, for some reason it just wasn't working lol. I was literally crying so badly because I missed my dad so much and then, my mom basically implied that I was a failure because I didn't get into medical school, and that's where I completely lost it. Like, here I am already tore up because my favorite person isn't here anymore, especially on a day to celebrate him, and the other most important person in my life literally just broke what piece of my heart was left /:

So, I went the bathroom and dug within my personal stuff to find a razor, that in which I took to my room. I'm literally sitting on the edge of my bed, literally drowning in my tears, my head was literally overwhelmed with thoughts such as "kill yourself, Kim!", "you don't have anything to live for!", "nobody cares about you" and the list goes on. As I brought the razor near my wrist, my phone vibrated and it's a text message from a sister-in-Christ. Let me tell y'all about how God works in mysterious ways lol. The person who texted me, literally was on the verge of committing suicide herself and she was texting me about what was going on with her. So just imagine me, someone who was literally about to end her life, literally having to piece myself together enough to keep someone else here. Whew chile, the mystery lol.

I always say it's so important to ensure that the people you run to for advice, are in the proper position to receive what you're venting. Because if someone is literally fighting their own demons and battles, then it's not always wise to share yours with them. But I'm honestly glad that God sent her my way though because by me pouring into her, that was exactly what I needed to hear for myself to keep pushing. She always thanks me for being a listening ear during her time of need, but I have yet to tell and even thank her for being who God used to intervene for me during that same time. I do plan to eventually tell her, but whew baby steps because this blog was a lot for me lol.

Conclusion

Post-grad depression is deeper than just not getting into a professional school or receiving a job within your field. As you can see, from my journey I dealt with not only those two things, but also battled feelings towards God, having to overcome feelings towards myself, and also those who surrounded me. Here is an update regarding my life right at the moment:

1. I'm currently still employed at Walmart, but I also took the initiative towards getting my foot within the medical field. I've been shadowing physicians on my days off and taking in so much valuable experiences and information from them and even medical students.

2. God revealed to me a few months back that I shouldn't have been frustrated with Him because He never told me to apply to medical school. He also informed me that not only did things not work out because it wasn't the time, but also because I turned in an application that was crappy. I simply gave Him 20% and expected Him to come all the way through for me, which wasn't fair at all. Having faith is amazing but it's also important to put in the work. God def has the power to do it all, but that doesn't mean that he should. *sigh* Those were honestly tough pills to swallow, but it was imperative for me to know the truth in order to move forward. I had to realize that I put myself in that predicament by wanting to please others and I should've followed what He has commanded me to do, regardless of how others felt. With all of that being said, I'm currently in the process of applying to medical school again but this time, I devoted the time, effort, and money to make sure that I reach my goal. Last time I moved out of haste, but this application cycle I made sure that I took time away from work to not only study, but also submit an application worth looking at.

3. My mental health is in a much better place now! :) By stepping away from work, I didn't realize how much my job contributed to how I was feeling as well. So, me unknowingly stepping away from work to study, was honestly what I needed mentally as well. Along with my mental health being better, God has also taught me how to rebuke satan and his tactics. Whenever a negative thought crosses my mind, I instantly tell satan that he has no power over me and that he's only trying because he knows that God has so much purpose for me! He's so lame and so cute for trying, y'all lol.

But I'm hoping that you've enjoyed reading this as much as I had the pleasure of sharing my transparency with you! Yesterday was the first day where I decided to become vulnerable and share my suicide attempt with the masses. Ever since, I simply felt led to shed more light on these topics and it honestly felt good to allow my journey to encourage someone else. If you're currently walking in the shoes that I once wore, please don't hesitate to hit me up because we can get through this together. Remember that you are loved! You are important! You have purpose! & You matter! The world is a much better place because of you being on it and someone out there is waiting to be blessed by what you have to offer! I love you guys and please give me some feedback on this blog!

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